Life

Hi everyone, just want to share my thoughts when i have some free time for myself. Lately, i've been losing sleep. I don't know what happened, I always wake up at 5 or 6 am, even when i sleep at 2 am. I didn't have a "quality time" to sleep. Anyway, my second sister will get married tomorrow. My first thoughts is, finally she will get happy ending with her relationship and the real journey will start very soon after her marriage. But the second thought is, I will be the "last man" standing in my house.

Hold on that second thought. Seriously, even in unconsciousness, deeply in my heart, i think i'm sad. That means i will be alone in my house. The difference age between me and all of my siblings is, with my elder brother 8 years, my first sister 6 years, and with second sister is 4 years. Quite far away with my age, and consequently we have difference lives, and difference converse / association. But that doesn't mean we didn't care with each other. My elder brother has left our house when i was in senior high school, and my first sister has left me when i was junior high school. And now, the last sibling in my house will leave me.

It's not dejavu, or something like that, but I have the same feeling in this my sister marriage with My father marriage in 1998, when i was 6 years old. Even i didn't understand what's the meaning of marriage in that time, I can feel about something, and still remember that feeling. Could you feel about something, that you don't understand but you can feel in your mind? This is a really different situation with my father second marriage *anyway, i am broken home since i was 1-2 months years old, and my father get married again after he dating with many many girls*. I can't describe this feeling, and i don't know this is a good or bad feeling. Seriously, this is cannot be explained, but what i knew is. After this big event has done, life will never quite same again.

After my father second marriage, my life and my siblings life was never quite same again. We should live in my father house with him and his wife. In the first time, we have a good life together. I still remember when i was a kid, i think i'm happy with my life. I have so many toys to play, i have brother, and sisters, and also cousins that can be invited to play. We always having fun together with my father in weekend. *we were live in our grandfather's house, and our father was always pick us up in weekend to traveling, shopping,etc*. We learned ice-skating together in weekend, playing together, etc. Anyway, after this marriage, my brother has become a teen, and have his own teenager life. And we have some confrontation with our step-mother. Since that happened, we were have our own life - also my sisters have their own teenager life, and our family's togetherness became cold. My father have another child to take care, and me, in 7 years old should have my own and alone life. Yup, live was never quite same again since that happened.

Anyway, also i'm officially graduated from my university. And now, i work in local Trader Company, in Polymer Industry. Since i was graduated, i knew that life will be harder for me. I've learned that life is tough. I should work to pay my own bills in my own way. Even i am always independent since i was 7 years old, after graduated i really realized, that life is really tough. Huff, how time flies so fast, I think i still can't believe i should face this situation really fast. Live my own life, in my own way, only with my self. Even i still live in my Father's house, you know just like what i've told you in the fourth paragraph, I feel alone because we were have our own life to take care of. I won't have a friend to talk in house since now, except my step-brothers. That also just to have simple conversation.

Life must go on, so do I. Even in the different situation, i have to continue this long journey, maybe this is time to dumb down and be dishonest, it seems to take you a long way in this game. It may sound absurd, but don't be naïve, even heroes have the right to bleed. *singing* :)